Manufacturers of Performance-Enhancing Drugs Impose Sanctions on Russia

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Within the newest spherical of sanctions concentrating on Russia, the world’s producers of performance-enhancing medicine have halted all shipments to Vladimir Putin’s nation.

A spokesman for the Worldwide Alliance of Efficiency-Enhancing Drugmakers introduced that its member corporations would “now not present the unlawful substances that for many years have been important to Russia’s Olympic success.”

Moreover, the spokesman stated, a deliberate pipeline that might ship such medicine as the center treatment trimetazidine from a producing plant straight into state-run Russian gymnasiums would now not be constructed.

Addressing the sanctions on Russian state tv, a visibly rattled Putin stated, “Anybody who assaults Russia’s capability to dope its athletes is hanging at certainly one of our nation’s grandest traditions. This won’t stand.”

Regardless of Putin’s defiant pose, nonetheless, a Kremlin supply stated that mounting sanctions are beginning to weigh on the Russian chief. “You understand you’ve tousled when even Switzerland is pissed at you,” the supply stated.

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