Executive Orders to Get the World Back on Track


Expensive President Biden,

March 13, 2022, will mark a full two years of Covid-19-occasioned lockdown. Although P.P.P. forgiveness and student-loan forgiveness are a part of the general public discourse surrounding the pandemic and its fallout, too little consideration has been paid to age forgiveness. As such, we, U.S. Residents for Age Forgiveness Now!, are agitating for an govt order, to take impact on March thirteenth, which is able to formally decree that the previous two years don’t rely towards the age of any American.

As such, a person who’s at present fifty-one years previous would legally turn out to be forty-nine years previous. A twenty-six-year-old would turn out to be a twenty-four-year-old. A brand new centenarian would revert to being ninety-eight, offering inducement to dwell to 100 once more.

Along with the subtraction of two years from the age of each U.S. citizen, this order would stipulate the next:

Academic Rewind: A baby of 9 shall turn out to be a toddler of seven, and shall obtain further education commensurate with the 2 years misplaced to botched, improvised tele-education by harassed academics heading off the shrieking and the juice-box calls for of their very own kids.

Common Pre-2020 Physique: U.S. publish workplaces shall turn out to be distribution facilities for vouchers entitling each citizen to free one-on-one Pilates for eighteen months, or till peak 2019 stomach health has been achieved, whichever comes first.

Cultural Restitution: The Fugees reunion tour shall be reactivated. Taylor Swift shall be allowed to tour her album “Lover” as if it have been model new; listeners shall indulge the artiste and faux that “Folklore” and “Evermore” don’t but exist.

Professional-Sports activities Forgiveness: The outcomes of the previous two seasons {of professional} sports activities, which have been characterised by stop-start play, ability regression, and Covid-related roster churn, shall be erased from the information. Tom Brady shall revert to being merely a six-time Tremendous Bowl champion. Gleyber Torres shall revert to being a budding star who can hit for energy and common. Aaron Rodgers shall revert to being likable.

Ingesting-Age Amnesty: A younger grownup of twenty-one shall revert to being nineteen, however the authorized ingesting age shall be lowered to eighteen, as a result of present regulation successfully promotes pseudo-transgressive campus binge ingesting anyway. The resultant windfall for the spirits business shall offset the corresponding federal ban on onerous seltzer, a ban that U.S. Residents for Age Forgiveness Now! is asking for just because onerous seltzer is nasty.

Patio-Heater Reimbursement: The federal authorities shall ship a verify for 5 hundred {dollars} to each American who has proof of buy for an outside heating supply that did not make patio eating in February bearable. Eligible heaters embody propane-powered fashions, electrical fashions, and Solo Stoves.

Gal Gadot Forgiveness: Gal Gadot shall be forgiven for the “Think about” factor.

Hair-Loss Restitution: For many who choose in, the newly established Follicular Recompense Company shall supply free of charge Propecia prescriptions and /or interest-free “Diedi Bae” loans towards hair transplants, to make up for hairline recession attributable to the march of time and by pandemic stress. The loaning entity is so named for the actor Diedrich Bader, who ceaselessly laments his personal hair loss on social media.

Second-Likelihood Celebrations for Accomplished-Incorrect Youth: The Naval Observatory residence of Vice-President Kamala Harris and First Gentleman Doug Emhoff shall be made out there for catered celebrations for any eligible teen, heretofore aged fourteen to seventeen, whose bar mitzvah, bat mitzvah, or quinceañera was an underwhelming back-yard occasion involving a sheet cake, string lights, and the tinny Zoom presence of confused grandparents who didn’t know mute themselves.

A ultimate notice: One facet of the previous two years that shall not be reversed or re-litigated is the 2020 Presidential election; this was already tried on January 6, 2021. ♦

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